Speak of the Sea
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Elizabeth.
Nineteen.
I write sometimes.

This Goes Out To You

I felt betrayal coming from her, thought she was my first luv & we’d stay together for the longest til’ time doesn’t exist on a spectrum anymore but she kept a lie & balanced two hearts because she didn’t have one. She became greedy.

I felt lost & confused, a part of me blamed me, was I not sufficient in providing luv or the affection she needed? A part of me was infuriated: how could somebody do that? Claim they luv one but taste another’s tongue. I wanna go on hating her throughout many lifetimes but that’s just too tiring. I don’t have the resiliency to do that.

& yes, I did luv you- in my own immature ways. I had a soft spot for you because you are my first. I have to let you go; the idea of you & what we could’ve been still clings but I’ve decided that today, you’re gonna be free, fleeting away from me.

My heart’s gonna be lighter now. I won’t let your ghost continually haunt me. Take your shadows back.

Maybe at one point in time, you really meant the luv you felt. But it was clouded, I always felt lonelier when you were around. I never questioned that. It should’ve been a red flag. I’ve ignored too many warning signs with you. It was a dead-end but I hoped to build a road. Where would I go after being consumed by a blackhole? You wanted me to write more, so here you go, you got me. 

I hated the version of me u created, an insecure possesive being with no self worth. I’m learning   to better luv myself cos’ I deserve it. This soul & heart needs an unlimited pool of luv generating from within. 

I searched for something in you but I ended empty handed so I composed illusions surrounding your character into something you weren’t. & I pushed you in that direction which was wrong because I fell in luv with your potential & my perception of you which was far from the truth. 

I tried to fill every crease with luv to the best of my capabilities. The abyss in you was too deep. It just swallowed everything I offered you then it was gone. Every fragment of your past I accepted wholeheartedly. I embraced your brokenness and I didn’t question the dusk painted across your bones.

Forgiveness doesn’t come easy for me but I’m trying. I won’t hate you. In the last dimension, I truly loved you. Just know, there is no more gateway into my life you can enter from. I wish you the best.

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